More than 20% of men fake orgasms (and they do not find out)
From Oscar. Almost half of them can not tell if their partner has reached the climax. Why are we still pretending?
Almost 30 years ago that mythical scene of Meg Ryan in the movie When Harry found Sally showing, in the middle of a coffee shop, how easy it was to fake an orgasm and how difficult it was for a man to realize the deception. However, little has changed since then.
A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine by researchers at Brigham Young University analyzed the perception of orgasm in 1,683 newly married heterosexual couples. One of the main conclusions was that although 87% of the husbands reached a constant orgasm, only 49% of the women did. Not only more than half of them had not reached the climax: 43% of their partners were not able to say when it happened .
They still do not know and that, says the sexologist Ana Garcia , "find out if it pretends or not, is relatively easy, the physiological response of women does not cheat : contractions, spasms, lubrication, erection of the clitoris."
It is possible to ask why and the expert gives with two possible reasons: "It can be because he is too concentrated in his pleasure, or because he does not think that his partner is not having the same sensation".
More communication would help, but "if men were concerned about discovering the physiological response that a woman has when she reaches orgasm, it would be easy enough to find out if she is pretending or not," Garcia says. If this is disturbing, it will not be less like the fact that women continue to fake orgasms and renounce a full sexual life in future encounters.
The four reasons to pretend, according to the Orgasm Counterfeit Scale
In 2014 it was established what is known as the Scale of falsification of female orgasm , which establishes four main reasons for feigning orgasm by women: terminate the sexual relationship; increase your own excitement; avoid "insecurity and fear" of not being able to reach orgasm; and, most commonly, to avoid hurting your partner's feelings.
In her book Sexual Intelligence , the sexologist María Esclapez defends that "to moan and to pretend that 'yes', when in reality 'no', is to deceive another person and oneself". From his experience, he adds one more cause to the list of reasons for the falsification of the climax: "Having desires different from those of the couple and not wanting to express them, and therefore wanting the meeting to end as soon as possible".
This is, he reflects, closely related to "the influence of the male stereotype on sexuality." The plan would not work if there were no myth that "for a sexual relationship to be satisfactory, it has to end with an orgasm . " This false idea causes that when the orgasm does not happen, it generates a frustration in the couple, and therefore "it is preferred to pretend and not damage the self-esteem of the other".
Also highlights that the underlying problem has to do with the lack of communication in the couple. "If you have never talked to your partner about your sexuality - what you like, how, where, etc. - it is highly probable that one of the two pretends, because you know, nobody is a fortune-teller".
Men also pretend, and much
Although when it comes to pretending orgasms, women are usually talked about, there are also men who pretend to climax. This was revealed by a survey of more than 1,400 people by the brand of erotic products Bijoux Indiscrets, according to which 21.2% of men had faked orgasm at some time (the percentage of women was still higher: 52, 1%).
More striking was the figure of 8.4% of men who claimed to almost always distort their orgasms (almost as many as women: 11.8%). With these figures in hand, the human being emerges as a sexual gullible: only 10.4% of women and 15.6% of men believed that their current partner faked orgasms.
For them the action is much more complex, by a physiological obviousness, and despite this there is a main reason, according to the sexologist Ana García, which leads them to pretend: "The shame of not reaching orgasm. all the media, unlike women, but if they see that there is a point where they can not [be able to], they pretend to be ashamed, since society imposes that they always want and can ".
The more time passes, the harder it is to open up
In this matter it is important to distinguish between pretending to "get out of step" at a specific moment, for whatever reason - something that María Esclapez points out may happen within normality - and that falsification is a systematic act, something usual in the couple.
The second scenario, warns Ana García, has a logical consequence: " The less pleasure and less satisfaction you have in a sexual encounter, the less you want to repeat it , and this ultimately leads to an inhibited sexual desire and therefore to problems in the couple".
The situation may end up in a loop from which it is difficult to leave, since it is increasingly difficult to open up, adds Esclapez. This achieves that the pressure [to reach the climax] increases in each relationship: "And the pressure produces anxiety, which is the number one enemy of sexual relations".
The good news is that there is a way out of the loop, and the first step is to stop pretending . At the end of the day, if pretending is a personal choice, decide that you have the right to orgasm, too.
The next step, according to Ana García, is to " encourage sexual communication with your partner and make you understand that the pleasure is two , that you have to work and try to get it together to enjoy both." Communication is basic to solve the problems of partner, empathy, understanding. "
In this regard, the sexologist recalls that this is not always easy, precisely because of the false myths, pressures and roles established around the sexuality of couples. "The society is the reflection of our education and, therefore, influences the roles that each one adopts, hence the fact that the man takes for granted the orgasm of the woman, without asking or worrying".
In the same way "the passive attitude of it is due to the fact of the difficulty in communication, so you choose the fastest way", to avoid that conversation.
Improving sex education, of course, is part of the solution, so that "women do not have to systematically fake an orgasm, but have the peace of mind to tell their partner and that it is a constructive conversation. man, at no time you can feel offended, since the fact that she does not reach the climax, should not affect your self-esteem. "
